You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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