I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
