I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
