i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
