Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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