I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
