Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
