I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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