i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
