Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
