dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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