My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
