So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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