I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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