im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
