I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
