I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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