I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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