i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
