I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize