The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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