I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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