She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She even gives head with a lisp.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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