Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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