she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize