Apparently you make a good broom.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
