I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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