I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
whose ass print is on the piano?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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