Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize