First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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