I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My vagina is very pro this idea
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
