Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
