While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Help. Why am I so naked?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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