i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
