There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize