i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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