The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
