sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
