I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
