Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
