my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
