drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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