Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
