God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize