I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
