Are we in a gay sports bar?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize