i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My pussy is not your playground.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
