don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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