My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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