I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
