I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
