she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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