my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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