i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
