I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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