all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
