im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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