I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
