how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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