you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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