I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This house was built for laser tag.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
