We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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