tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
