Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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