so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
