I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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