Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he puts the penis in happiness.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Damn victory sex feels great
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
