idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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