Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
