My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
