honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
