The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize